My Worst Entry Ever, Just Wanted to Invade Your E-mail Inbox

I really want to write about something, but it would put me in a compromising position. The Inverted Butterfly Lotus Flytrap sexual position from College Student Kama Sutra: How to Have Sex and Cram (for a test) at the Same Time. Except my compromising position insn't sexual. Actually it's not even that compromising, I just wanted to make sexy time joke.

This will put you in a compromising position. I am forcing you to tell people to stop doing Borat impressions unless they have had 1.5 years experience. And if you do quote the movie, you either have to say things that he MIGHT have said or incorporate lines from the movie into your conversation. The quotes have to fit. In context. I even made a diagram for these people.

Con-quote-text.

Uh, bye.

Love.

P.S It's too hot me too sweaty you give me homemade smoothie?

So this is like, the first time I've updated in quite a while. I'm not sure how long because that would involve me pressing "back" and losing all of the "So this is like, the first time I've updated in quite a while. I'm not sure how long because that would involve me pressing "back" and losing all of the" I just typed. The layout has changed, and I'm sure that people have left Xanga for greener pastures...of mold. Moldy pastures. Moldy, stinky, festering pastures that make the birds and the bees want to procreate by shoving wads of tissue into their noses. Chipmunks have evolved into flying robots called Chipbots because they're afraid of putting their tiny feet into the sludge.

I thought I would revive my postings on this glorious site where life began. For my Xanga. Er, some entries began here. In the bathroom.

People eat in bathrooms. They talk on the phone in bathrooms. Sometimes, if the situation springs upon them, they even give birth in bathrooms. Bathrooms are the tiled havens of our generation.

Today, after I finished draining the lizard into the toilet, I looked at the airfreshenerthingy.

It's called "First Impression."

Let me repeat that. "First Impression."

This could imply many things:

1. People piss/crap/vomit/have babies in bathrooms so infrequently that each machine only squirts out that pungent cinammon smell ONCE in their lifetimes.

2. We all have amnesia.

3. We all have amnesia.

4. We all have amnesia. Where are my dentures?

5. The machine has amnesia and it always thinks it's making a first impression.

6. People are actually waiting in front of those things until the machine pisses on their Polos so they can make a good "first impression" on their date. Cheapest cologne because it's free.

Dialogue:

The machine: "Oh. My. Gosh. There's a person at the urinal. I'm so excited. I don't know what to do. If I had an anus I would shit myself."

The dude: *Pissing*

The machine: "Howcanananan...I'm so nervous I'm stuttering! How can I make a good first impression? I have no flowers to give him, no money, no puppies, no pickle sandwiches...."

The dude: "I'm pissing...hmmm."

The machine: "I KNOW. I'll squirt my man juices in his general area and he will be attracted to me." *Squirtttttttttttttttttttttt*

The dude: "Fuck...FUCK...motherFUCK...I was just sprayed in the eye! Is that cinammon...FUCK!"

The machine: "I think he likes me! I will squirt again!

The dude: "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKCKCKCKCKKCK. It's like smelly mace!

End of story.

Moral: Never piss in a urinal. ALWAYS SIT DOWN ON THE TOILET.

Currently Listening Gold By Ryan Adams see related

*So...I feel to compelled to write an entry. A good entry. Not a GREAT entry quite yet, because that requires thought. And thought requires energy. And energy? That requires burgers. Lots and lots of burgers. My experiences with deliveries have been less than stellar, and they would probably bring me something that rhymes with burger like...uh...a "burgher." That's a citizen of an English borough. They have enough time during my wait to fly him or her over, and he could help me find a place that delivers BURGERS from England ON TIME!

I didn't know what a "burgher" was, so I used an on-line rhyming dictionary. I got something that sounds the same with a different spelling and a different meaning. Lucky and lazy! Remember what I said about energy?

If you don't you can read the first paragraph again. Actually, read it again anyways.

*Loop from here.

Find anything new the second time? NO? SURELY YOU JEST? Well then you're just not using your imagination. You're also not reading between the lines. That's lazy. Use your energy. Lazy.

Currently Listening First Impressions of Earth By The Strokes You Only Live Once (so stop watching jewerly commercials) see related

What a stupid slogan.

"Every kiss begins with 'k'...."

1. It makes me want to vomit. I don't particularly like vomiting.

2. It didn't teach me that kiss begins with "k" instead of "c" or something.

3. I'm not going to buy someone a diamond ring for a kiss because it's creepy. And it's kiss prostitution. And I doubt that your kiss is worth $1,000. At five dollars an hour, that's 200 hours.

4. I'm aware that all jewerly commercials have to be idiotic, but this one is so idiotitc that the other idiots look at it and say, "That's an idiot. A big, fat idiot. I've seen him eat his own feces instead of a sandwich that was right in front of him."

5. I don't particularly like the thought of someone eating feces.

Strange people I saw while walking after my last class...

1. Morticia.

2. Two people to whom I nearly said, "hello." Turns out they were total strangers.

3. A woman who was not quite sure if she was a pimp or a whore, so she dressed somewhere in the middle. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm trying to be accurate, and that was disturbingly accurate. And disturbing.